I want to throw up. My stomach hurts and I feel nauseated. I have hardly eaten all day and I know this is not because I have some sort of stomach flu or whatever. This is the sort of pain for which there is no quick fix. No pill, no syrup, no TLC...Only time. Time. I remember a lyric from a NKOTB song I used to love as a kid. Okay so I was a teenager. Anyway, they belted out in their high picthed voices "time is on your side girl," but I don't know about this. Time seems to be my enemy, ticking away at a God awful, painfully slow pace. Yet, so much time has passed only I am no where close to where I desire to be. Two months from now will mark the one year anniversary of the saddest day of my life. Well, maybe not the saddest. I have seen many dark days since then. So maybe it marks the anniversary of when my stomach started to hurt. Anyway, last night, I met with the culrprit for the first time since that day. At first our meeting was beautiful, he was beautiful. Our eyes met, grey blue and sky blue colliding once again. I remembered how I used to be able to look into those eyes and see love. The times I used to look into them and see pain. Then there were the times when all I saw were the lies. So many lies. I found out last night that this betrayal began much sooner then I had realized. The last eight months of our relationship was one big, fat lie. I didn't deserve any of it then and I don't deserve any of it now. I realized what a coward I had been. For months I suspected that he had been unfaithful, all of the signs were there. Yet I chose to ignore them, to justify his actions because I was afraid. Afraid of this. This reality I am currently living. I lost him, I lost love, I am alone and I have to start over. I didn't think I was capable of doing any of this, but I guess when push comes to shove...You shove. I spent five and a half years of my life with someone who did not truly love me. Not the way he profressed, the way I believed nor the way I deserved. I am disgusted that I still have love in my heart for him. I must be gluttonous for pain.