I just finished taking a shower and while I was going through the usual motions of cleansing myself physically I realized that as of late I have also cleansed myself emotionally. This emotional cleansing has a lot to do with letting go of a boy. I've been thinking a lot about he and I and relationships in general. I've been reading and talking and writing. I've also been carrying on my now infamous title as a "heartbreaker" turning down the prospects, which have since come and gone, the way I like it. I'm in a good place. And what I mean by this "place" is that I am no longer mad or angry with him nor am I happy or giddy with him. I am at peace with him. He came into my life out of the blue, touched my heart and broke it. For a while I felt as if I were swimming in tar, while the rest of the world, including him seemed to so effortlessly move on. I hated him and I hated myself for having such a hard time letting go.
I remember what he said about desire and expectations. The two go hand in hand and once you control the desire you let go of the expectations. What he and I shared, whatever it was and as brief as it was, I have let go. No more expectations, desire or resentments over the fact that it did not work out. I wrote to him last about searching for validation within his eyes. This I now know is not true. Being in Berlin with him took me out of my comfort zone, leaving me vulnerable and exposed. This was probably the best part about my trip because it allowed me to see myself through a naked eye. I was reliant upon him, someone whom I didn't really know as well as I thought. Plus, this got confused with the expectation that he would sweep me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset. It's so silly really. I was hoping to find in him what I was missing in myself, but that is not what love is. I think in its simplest form it may be the give-and-take that makes you both match. There is a desire that allows you to WANT to give-and-take with each other and so it ends up transpiring effortlessly.
I hope that he is still happy that he has gotten to know me and I can say, with honesty now, that I am happy to have known him. I'm glad our stories have intersected and maybe they will do so again in the future. However, whether or not they do is not of importance to me. I have let him go; I am living in this moment and will spend minimal time reflecting on the past. I wish him well as he travels along his life's journey. I will be traveling along mine.


"The thief of many hearts knows how to hide hers so that only the most clever can find it!"