Sometimes, I have these totally irrational fears. I say sometimes because it is not always that I am feeling fearful and insecure. Sometimes, I actually feel good about myself and confident in the future. However, I wish this feeling lasted longer than just sometimes.
The fear that I am currently grappling with is the idea that my friends are getting tired of me. I feel like a nuisance. I call too much, write too much...Try to be a part of their lives too much. They all, each and every one of them, have their own lives to tend to, their own 'thing' going on. They each have goals to achieve, relationships to work on, and careers to live out. I have these as well, but what do I really have going on and even more importantly, what do I have to offer them? I mean, what is really going on with me, beyond the monotony of studying for my stupid test and working part time. And half of the time, I feel unproductive because l feel like I don't study enough nor do I clock in enough hours at work, at least not compared to my hard working friends. I almost wish that someone would just tell me what to do. Give me structure...Map out the rules. It seems that my friends have already charted out their way and know almost exactly where they are going and how they are going to get there. I am envious of this. They all know how lost I am and I worry that one day they will get tired of helping me find my way. Let me emphasize that I don't feel this way all of the time, I know that my friends love me as much as I love them. But I just feel that I shouldn't need them as much as I do, that I should be a little more independent and self-reliant. This need for others scares me. Perhaps, this is what makes my fear not so irrational after all.