After a while

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every good-bye, you learn...

~Veronica A. Shoffstall

I found this poem today or maybe it found me. They say good books and people do that. I can relate to it on so many levels. Although I think I am still waiting for it all to really sink in, to finally be able to say "I got it" and mean it. I have thought about, written about, cried about, and talked about all of my issues: my adoption, my mother, my fear of abandonment, my failed relationships, my lost love, my need for external validation... Each time feeling like I've gotten a little farther on my journey only to stumble back a short while later. Perhaps my "after a while" has yet to come, but I know that I will keep striving to reach this goal. One day I will be happy with who I am and I will know that it is I who is responsible for this happiness. I will be able to hold my head up high with my eyes looking straight ahead (not down looking towards my past) with the grace of a woman and not the grief of an abandoned child. Any happiness I get I've got to make myself.