Waiting...For the phone to ring, for the space between two souls to merge, for something good to happen, for something LASTING to happen, for the right guy to walk into my life, for the ability to trust with ease, and for the ability to find comfort and security within myself.
W A I T I N G. It is silently painful. Like watching.

Rahel was like an excited mosquito on a leash. Flying. Weightless. Up two steps. Down two. Up one. She climbed five flights of red stairs for Baby Kochamma's one.

I'm Popeye the sailor man dum dum

I live in a cara-van dum dum

I op-en the door

And fall-on the floor

I'm Popeye the sailor man dum dum

Up two. Down two. Up one. Jump, jump.

"Rahel, " Ammu said, "you haven't Learned your Lesson yet. Have you?"

Rahel had: Excitement Always Leads to Tears. Dum dum.

"They showed Miss Mitten how it was possible to read both Malayalam and Madam I'm Adam backwards and forwards. She wasn't amused and it turned out that she didn't even know what Malayalam was. They told her it was the language everyone spoke in Kerala. She said she had been under the impression that it was called Keralese. Estha, who had by then taken an active dislike to Miss Mitten, told her that as far as he was concerned it was a Highly Stupid Impression.

Miss Mitten complained to Baby Kochamma about Estha's rudeness, and about their reading backwards. She told Baby Kochamma that she had seen Satan in their eyes.

They were made to write-In future we will not read backwards. In future we will not read backwards. A hundred times. Forwards.

A few months later Miss Mitten was killed by a milk van in Hobart, across the road from a cricket oval. To the twins there was hidden justice in the fact that the milk van had been reversing."

A lump forms in the back of my throat when I think of him. It is soft yet firm and when I swallow it does not go away. I have been familiar with this lump my entire life only now I am learning its new meaning. This lump no longer appears out of sadness. It forms during the times when I am alone with my thoughts and they turn to him.

He is strong, empathetic and profoundly caring. He has known struggle, wrestled with it, and ultimately won. Some say he is a broken man others say he is comfortable with his brokenness. I say he heroic...Sorry...There is the lump again.

I have never known there to be a love like ours. I have never seen two people whose lives are so closely intertwined. Not like he and I. He has been back in my life for only a year and it's hard to recall the eighteen years when he was not. He is my last thought before I fall asleep and my first thought upon waking. He tells the best stories and gives the best advice. He is the first person I call in times of joy, sadness and boredom. He is the best listener and has the most comfortable shoulder to cry on. He always has time and love to give. He is pure and his love is infinite. He is soft yet firm like the lump that forms in the back of my throat when I think of him.

The clock is ticking and my mind is racing. Another sleepless night. Thoughts of my future are running through my head. Everything seems so uncertain. I know I am not alone in my struggle for my best girlfriend always reminds me that there is nothing I have thought or felt, which hasn't been thought or felt before by another. Still, at times I feel so utterly alone and it is this lonliness that kills me. Company doesnotmeanSECURITY.

Panic. Despair. Isolation. These are the adjectives that come to mind when it happens. When I start to feel like I am loosing my footing on the ground beneath me and there is nothing and no one to hold on to. It all starts with one intrusive thought during a moment of weakness. This thought becomes an obsessive worry and from there it spirals out of control. Tears begin to form in my eyes, burning as they slide down my cheek. My breathing is heavier and my heart is pounding beneath my chest...lubb dubb, lubb dubb...faster and faster. My eyes scan the room, my vision is a blur, I am looking for an escape. I spot the phone, I reach for it, but when I dial, no one is there. I am alone. I am lonely. I have been abandoned once again.

I am 23 years old yet during these moments I feel like I am still at the age of four. My family was gone and replaced with a room full of strangers. They were my foster family, only they didn't stay either. For two years my bags remained packed and my life fit into one small, off-white suitcase. I reacted to this loss the way any small child would. I clinged even harder, held on for dear life to anyone who seemed dependable. But such clinginess is out of place now that I am an adult. Yet the same fear surfaces over and over. I seek out reassurance constantly. I want security, but I don't know how to give it to myself. I have become a worrywart about my relationships. Most of the time I combat this worry by running away from a relationship before my partner can leave me. If they leave me before I can leave them, I feel rejected and worthless all over again. This is why if someone does something that only hints at abandonment, like not calling me back right away, I immediately feel hurt, then sad. Sometimes I want to give up on the relationship all together, even though there's really nothing that wrong. I am hypersensitive to any sign that hints at abandonment. I have a hard time trusting others.

I am trying to learn that I will be alright on my own. I have to remind myself that I do posses the inner resources needed to meet my needs and that I will not fall apart if someone leaves me. I have landed on my feet several times. I can do this. I can and will trust again. I will be okay because the approval I need is my own.

I want to throw up. My stomach hurts and I feel nauseated. I have hardly eaten all day and I know this is not because I have some sort of stomach flu or whatever. This is the sort of pain for which there is no quick fix. No pill, no syrup, no TLC...Only time. Time. I remember a lyric from a NKOTB song I used to love as a kid. Okay so I was a teenager. Anyway, they belted out in their high picthed voices "time is on your side girl," but I don't know about this. Time seems to be my enemy, ticking away at a God awful, painfully slow pace. Yet, so much time has passed only I am no where close to where I desire to be. Two months from now will mark the one year anniversary of the saddest day of my life. Well, maybe not the saddest. I have seen many dark days since then. So maybe it marks the anniversary of when my stomach started to hurt. Anyway, last night, I met with the culrprit for the first time since that day. At first our meeting was beautiful, he was beautiful. Our eyes met, grey blue and sky blue colliding once again. I remembered how I used to be able to look into those eyes and see love. The times I used to look into them and see pain. Then there were the times when all I saw were the lies. So many lies. I found out last night that this betrayal began much sooner then I had realized. The last eight months of our relationship was one big, fat lie. I didn't deserve any of it then and I don't deserve any of it now. I realized what a coward I had been. For months I suspected that he had been unfaithful, all of the signs were there. Yet I chose to ignore them, to justify his actions because I was afraid. Afraid of this. This reality I am currently living. I lost him, I lost love, I am alone and I have to start over. I didn't think I was capable of doing any of this, but I guess when push comes to shove...You shove. I spent five and a half years of my life with someone who did not truly love me. Not the way he profressed, the way I believed nor the way I deserved. I am disgusted that I still have love in my heart for him. I must be gluttonous for pain.

I've been doing some thinking about this whole thing called dating. In my opinion, it usually goes like this; she wants him... he wants somebody else... she moves on... suddenly he is interested. They run circles around each other until they end up living either "happily ever after" or broken up. Then, as each one moves into a new relationship, they will both secretly wonder if the other is happy. So far I am not a big fan of dating. I am tired of the ups and downs of trying on people to see if they fit only to discover that they don't. Then there's the disappointment when you really wanted them to fit, but no matter how hard you tried, they just didn't. It's sort of like shoe shopping. You find a really cute pair of heels that would go perfectly with so many outfits, but the only size they have is a half size too small. You try them on anyway in hopes that maybe they will fit. Only you end up cramming your foot into the damn thing and after a lap around the store you realize that the circulation has been cut off to your big toe and you have already formed a blister. So you take the shoe off, put it back in the box and sadly continue looking. But you know that you won't ever find that exact same shoe again and no matter how hard you tried, the fucking thing just wouldn't fit. So I'm thinking that maybe I would like to go barefoot for a while and see how that feels. Who needs the perfect pair of shoes to compliment your outfit when you know that underneath the stiletto heels are your barefeet just aching for you to take them off. Then after a while, when you aren't looking, you find that perfect pair. They might be packaged differently then you had expected, but when you slide your barefoot into its sole, you know that it's a perfect fit. Nice and snug, but not too snug, and comfortable. Comfort is key.
I'm still looking around, but not intently for my perfect fit. For a while, it's just going to be me and my barefeet.